As I have journeyed in healing from my abuse and trauma for the past few years, I have learned a lot about myself; what triggers me, what hurts me and what truly scares me. You might think that going to a group, facing other women and being fully vulnerable with strangers would be scary. It was uncomfortable and sometimes awkward, but not scary. Unpacking my story and seeing how truly damaged I was was very painful, but to me, it was not scary. All these moments in my healing journey did not scare me because I felt like I was doing something active to battle my own demons associated with the abuse.
As long as I was working, I was making progress. As long as I was making progress, I was slowly but surely working on healing and moving toward becoming whole.
For me, the scariest part is the time in between the sessions and meetings. When I was doing my normal day to day things, that is when I began to slip back into denial of all the progress I had made. It is in those “in between” moments of solitude and silence, that I begin to doubt what God has spoken to me. It is when I still act out my trauma and I feel constantly triggered that I start doubting the whole healing process and whether it is worth it. It is in those moments that I slip into total denial of needing to work through anything at all or that my experiences even count as trauma and abuse. The moments when I feel lonely are the moments the enemy comes in and plants doubt, insecurity, and contentment. Because if the enemy gets us to admit that we are actually fine the way we are, without working through our trauma, continuing to operate out of denial and survival, he wins. Or when you simply don’t see things getting better and you become content with being numb, he wins again.
But Jesus has so much more for you. Jesus doesn’t want survival for you; He wants life abundant!
I have seen Him answer our desperate prayers in these “in between” moments of doubt in the most creative ways. But we do not have to wait idly, we can do something incredibly powerful; we can pray.
After a major breakthrough healing, I always try to remember to pray for protection as I know that these moments of doubt can sneak up quickly. This is my preemptive attack on the enemy. I don’t need to wait for him to start unraveling what has been done in an intimate moment of healing. I know that he will want to destroy any work that has been done. So we pray for protection even before “life” begins. Also, I always pray for God to be gracious in blessing me, or the women I pray for, with little reminders of the work He has done. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant or miraculous. But we ask because we know that when moments of silence, doubt, and insecurity push their way in, these little signs from God can restore our faith and hope.
These little signs remind us that God sees us and He is working, even in the “in between.” He is working on our healing, even when we are not actively “working” ourselves.
I have seen God answer these prayers so beautifully and particularly for myself and so many other women. Sometimes it is something as simple as a ray of sunshine coming through the clouds, seeing a particular flower on your way to work, noticing a butterfly in an unlikely place or finding a precious stone in an ordinary place. All these things can remind us that God smiles on us. Others might only see these very simple and common things, but to us, we know that it’s His small wink of delight, specifically placed for us to find. It’s His way of reminding us to keep going.
Do you feel like you need a reminder of God’s goodness in your life, particularly in this season? Ask Him and patiently wait. I know He will answer.